Are My Partner & I Too Different?

Are my partner & I too different?

If you have been listening to my podcast or have read my blogs, you know that I talked about the 7 stages of partnership - 7 stages that most couples move through.

Of these 7 stages, the stage that snags many couples is the challenging stage - or differentiation stage.  This is the time in relationship when we really start to reckon with our differences.  Many couples either break-up during this stage OR they stay together but cope with said differences in ways that are not healthy - by betraying who they are for connection, by holding onto resentments, by engaging in unproductive conflict, and by pushing things under the rug.

Can two people who realize they are actually quite different still stay together?

Not only that, can they build a secure + thriving partnership?

What a great question and one that so many couples reckon with…

The short answer is yes - HELL YES!

Differences in relationship create a diverse ecosystem.  When navigated consciously, they allow two people to learn so from each other, balance each other out, create a stronger “team” - for instance, in my partnership my wife slows me down + helps me ground - wherein, not that I’ll speak for her - she maybe inspired by my pace and fieriness in areas of her life.  As a team - this is a concept I teach my clients, a partnership is a “we” a team - we can be stronger and complement each other… where one partner is lacking, the other can pull some weight and vice versa

Not only do we learn from the differences our partner presents, we are also able to claim parts of ourself that we wouldn’t on our own.  As I have mentioned in previous podcasts - our relationships, most especially partnership, are like mirrors showing us more + more about ourselves.  Aspects of our partner - say they are more emotional than we are… allow us to reclaim our emotional side and explore it more fully.  And vice versa, if a partner is more rational or logical, we can learn from them and integrate that hidden part of our own selves more fully into our experience

Difference also creates polarity.  It allows the relationship to not become boring - like we are dating our own selves.  As much as that sounds appealing, it would work against the “spark” and growth created in a long term relationship if we were TOO similar.

Finally, differences create “differentiation” which is a deep necessity in relationship.  After the earlier stages of partnership, when we may feel more united + similar with our partner, differences allow us to stand as individuals in partnership.  Just as much as it is important to be a team - to be a “WE,” as I mentioned earlier… it is JUST as important in a healthy relationship to own ourselves as individuals.  Relationship is a balance between this togetherness + separation.  Both are equally as important.

If we don’t own our differences and learn to honor, respect + navigate our partner’s, we could slip into co-dependency, we could betray or lose our individual self - interests, passions, etc -  for connection, or we could stay stuck in a fantasy of an earlier stage of partnership

Our culture gives us the fantasy we need to do everything with our partner + love to do all the same things together.  This is just that - a fantasy - and, even if somehow true, it would NOT work to empower our relationships

But, if differences are good.  Then what of similarities?  What do we need in common to stay strong + thrive in a partnership?

The most important similarity is that the couple has chosen - this is how we do relationship.  They have the same goals for partnership

And, I would argue, they both have “relationship” as a high priority on their list of what is most important in their individual lives

They also have KEY aspects of themselves that are in alignment and that they can connect to over and over again, over the years of differences + challenges

This doesn’t have to be everything - like we need to love the same exact food or watch the same TV shows - but it means there are key aspects that are in alignment that bring them closer, help them create intimacy, help them communicate vulnerably, and help them share beautiful life moments

For my wife + I that is travel, going out to eat, and being in nature together

What is that for you?

When I work with couples, I engage them in exercises that allow them to HONESTLY, clearly see what is actually of high value to them as individuals… then cross reference that with each other to clarify what is of highest value in the relationship.  This is where the relationship thrives 

And if there is not enough here… it means the couple must take the time to explore it and cultivate it

Or, decide to not do the work and call it quits… or live unhappily

Regardless, that should be the main similarity - partnership is work, we both know this, and we are both willing to do that work.

THAT similarity will bring a couple into much more possibility + resiliency now… and for years to come