The 4 Primary Reasons Couples Fight
Why do partners typically fight about?
A few weeks ago we discussed the 7 stages of a relationship. Today and in the future, we are going to explore in detail aspects of the stage that many couples get stuck in (or break up during) - the differentiation or challenging stage of a relationship
The challenging stage occurs after the courtship + infatuation - or honeymoon - phase. After the couple is bonded during these first two stages, the chemical high wears off and their inherent individual differences start to emerge. Navigating these differences (“differentiation” stage) can often be challenging (“challenging stage”) and the couple risks breaking up prematurely, getting bogged down in unproductive conflict, betraying parts of themselves individually for the other person consciously or unconsciously, pushing things under the rug to survive, and/or building resentment over time.
Speaking of conflict - this stage can often turn into a real battleground. And sometimes a couple can get very confused as to why they are fighting and how to stop it - or navigate it more successfully. As we will see in a future episode - conflict is a necessary part of the stage (and necessary part of any relationship). We can’t and won’t “stop it.” But, what separates pointless struggle from relational empowerment is HOW we fight and HOW we learn to practice tools that make conflict a way to learn more, grow, create better connection and success in long term partnership
But, before we move into this arena, the empowered person - & empowered couple - needs to learn more about why they are fighting in the first place. Yes, simply put it would be because you have entered the stage in relationship that brings up your differences…. But there is more than that. There is more UNDERNEATH our conflict that - when realized - can provide so much individual and relational growth, awareness, and understanding
So…. What do people typically fight about?
1.Surface fights, little tiffs, & disagreements: everyday little stuff - such as who will do the dishes or who’s turn is it to pick up the kids from school or who is doing this errand or responsibility or another. Sometimes these are just what they are - a disagreement due to misunderstanding or a desire to do or not do something in the moment. BUT, the empowered couple starts to also become aware that perhaps there are deeper resentments under the surface of the small infraction or misunderstanding… and they begin to explore - individually and as a couple - as to if that is in fact so and - if so - what those resentments are
2. Value differences: These could be one factor under the small disagreements or they simply come out on their own. Value differences become apparent as you get to know each other more. And as you get to know each other more you start to see that even though we seemed more on the same page during the infatuation stage, in fact we may value different ways of living, different ways of dealing with money, children, conflict, family, work, spiritual beliefs, friends, leisure, etc. When you first met, it felt like you valued the same things, but the differentiation stage starts the sober polarization between the two of you as individuals. Luckily, these differences are not inherently problematic - in fact they can create a lot of room for growth in each individual and the relationship - however, they will become increasingly challenging if the couple does not build the tools & methods to communicate through them
3. Resentments: these are very common and can get REALLY detrimental if they are built-up over time without the couple learning to communicate about them and clear them out. Resentments typically emerge because one or both in the partnerships continue to keep their true self or expression stifled because of the fear of losing the relationship or driving the other person away (see my podcast episode # 11: When we betray our authentic self for connection). Resentments are also born when you keep your partner in an expectation of who you want them to be or who you thought they were, and you struggle to embrace them as they really are. Resentments start small, but can keep couples stuck for years without no solutions. People typically bury resentment issues because they feel skeptical they won’t get resolved or are too scared or uncomfortable to go there
4. Childhood Projections: also called the “imago” as popularized by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen Hunt. This is COMPLETELY and I will say again COMPLETELY unavoidable when we partner with someone. At the same time - this is where the deep growth, healing - and fun! begins. This is when our partner becomes our mirror and brings up our childhood issues + patterns that we still haven’t fully dealt with. This “imago” process is when we project a past image or experience of our primary caregivers, parents, or other important early relational figures onto our partner. Our partner brings up old familiar feelings from our childhood that we want to push away. Our partner brings up whatever parts of us with have disowned in the past. We may feel this deeply yet unconsciously. One key here is to start to become more conscious of these feelings + patterns of the past. While often quite uncomfortable and intense, this process is incredibly healing if we can learn how to work with our childhood projections both individually and in collaboration with our partner
5. Finally SECURITY. Do we feel actually secure in this relationship? This question is the essence our bedrock of our relationship and can really shake our connection if unstable. If the foundation of the partnership is unstable in any way, it impacts the general security of the couple - and every single challenge superficial to it the couple experiences will be that much more intense because of the unresolved security issue deeper below. Endless stress and countless hours are wasted fighting about other issues, when in actuality, there is a security issue going on. Security fights will keep. Coming back until you move from an insecure couple to a secure couple. This often presents as one person having one foot in and one foot out of the relationship - one person not fully committing to the partnership. If you are not in a securely attached partnershipship getting the 4 core needs met (see episode #21 of the podcast - safe, seen, soothed, supported + challenged) the your fights will be ALL about security, even if they seem to be about when we argued over who was getting the groceries this week
Couples get every stuck here because they continue to not address the deeper threats to the partnership. One or both people get caught in avoiding, running away, blaming, or feeling terrible. The good news is that if you have a willing partner, you CAN create security over time. If you partner is unwilling + resistant, then it will be next to impossible to learn and earn security
Speaking of security, security is a great goal to achieve as a couple - perhaps THE GOAL. To do this you both must grow + develop yourselves, navigate this challenging stage of the relationship you are in, and collaborate as a “WE” deciding you are going to make this happen, together
Once you earn the right to call yourself a secure couple, you will still experience surface fights, value differences, and resentments, BUT your foundation will be solid and there will be no lingering, deeper threats about someone leaving the partnership. Your nervous system will continue to feel threatened at times - this is natural - but because now you have worked to become a secure couple you will have the tools and practices to address and handle each other’s threat response in conflict
If YOU would like to learn more about what you are fighting about in your relationship and how to create a secure partnership, NOW’S THE TIME. Reach out to me for your first discovery session as a couple - or, if you are an individual, connect in order to empower your relational ability, empowerment and self growth potential.
Often, we need a little helping hand. That is what got me into this work… just a guide or coach to give myself - and my relationship - some more clarity, some better tools, and some deeper understanding in order to
Connect to myself, to others, and to something greater… Peace
