An Upgrade on How to Apologize
Apologies. What do you think of them? Do you apologize for your actions that have a negative impact on others? Actions you feel “bad” about or guilty for? Or do you not tend to apologize? Even if you are in the wrong, so to speak?
Additionally, Do you notice that you apologize for yourself a lot, generally speaking? Even if you AREN’T in any wrong? Do you apologize for “just being you?”
The Oxford dictionary defines an apology as a “regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.”
I, for one, have an issue with apologies and this issue was brought to light even more by one of my early relationship + coaching teachers. His bone to pick with apologies was that they often act as a quick fix - as a bandaid - around a situation, but one that doesn’t actually heal anything, but allows one or both people to make a superficial acknowledgement and then move on. For example, if there is a perceived or real wrong between two people and the person perpetrating the wrong feels a sense of responsibility, guilt, shame or accountability - a way to deal with that would be to say I’m sorry.
After an apology, like good catholic chanting an “our father” after a sin, the wrong is somehow forgiven, forgotten, moved on from, or resolved.
The issue here, is that this is often not the case - on a multitude of levels. First off, simply saying “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” to one we may have wronged, does not explicitly acknowledge the wrong or hurt that was inflicted. It CAN feel like an easy way to repair. My reframe for you is that if you decide to apologize to someone for an action you felt was hurtful or wrong, explicitly state what the action was AND hold yourself accountable for it. Lay the groundwork for the apology to be actually meaningful and accepted - not just lip-service.
How can we do this? In two steps. One is to clearly state and fully own the actions or words that caused hurt or harm. “I fully own that I just snapped at you…”. “I take full responsibility for those words that I just said that hurt you,” “I own that I haven’t called you back”
AND THEN - and this is clutch - DON’T DEFEND THEM. Often times when we apologize, we qualify and negate our apology by defending our action or explaining why did it… (which is usually an unconscious way to not have to deal or own up to our bad behavior).
When we rationalize or explain ourselves right after an apology, we essentially renege the apology. We cancel it out. This is not fertile groundwork for your apology to be received.
INSTEAD, practice empathy (one of the key practices in the conscious communication methods I teach individuals & couples). Totally put yourself in their shoes, imagine deeply - feel deeply - how your action could have impacted them…. And lead with that.
For example: “Honey, I apologize for saying those hurtful words. I fully own that I said them and if I put myself in your shoes, I could imagine that they had you feeling criticized, abandoned & unloved”
So to repeat: after an apology, lay the groundwork for receptivity, repair and actual positive change:
Own your action fully
Don’t defend your action or qualify it
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and empathize with how your action impacted them
What’s next? Well, if you really want to up-level your apology to something meaningful you next become willing to talk more about it, to actually repair more fully through conscious communication and active listening. The next step is something I teach all my clients - it’s a way to allow rupture or conflict to become something positive within the relationship.
Without having the time to move through that entire process, I WOULD recommend to then broach the subject, “I care how my action has impacted you. Would you like to talk more about it? So that we can explore the impact this had on us and our relationship? So that we can go deeper and I can understand your perspective more fully for the best of both of us?”
This takes a warriorship and it takes the ability to humble & hold accountable ourselves to our actions. Of course the idea is not to fault ourselves or become too self critical, if we are the so-called “wrong-doers…” rather, we are asked to be accepting and compassionate with ourselves as much as we are accountable.
And this leads us to the other shadow side of apologies, those of us who overuse in such a way that is essentially not commensurate with the action, meaning we too often then not defer to an apology for our behavior - being in an almost perpetuate state of guilt that we are in the wrong. Demeaning our true self and authenticity because we feel it couldn’t be right or accepted or loved.
Breathe into this… do you notice this in your own self? Is this the way you abuse the idea of an apology? Instead of it minimizing your impact on others, you may be minimizing your own self. I also invite you to reframe your use of the apology.
The reframe is one of mindfulness. Start to take notice of when you feel compelled to apologize for yourself. When you notice this, stop yourself from verbalizing it externally… and breathe more into it internally… notice, what emotions are coming up for you… what stories about yourself and about others and the world? What are the thoughts behind this apology.
Watch those thoughts and gain more information about your tendency. Ask yourself the questions: Is this apology necessary? Is it more about me and a story about myself than the possible negative impact I am having on others? IS there any real negative impact or am I assuming it? How often have I felt this need? And is the feeling familiar… how long have I been feeling it?
